Racism. So what? We all have it, everyone has it, especially since the people who discriminate against us don’t know us at all. It’s easy for them, they spit at us from upstairs, not seeing our faces, not having their faces shown to us. That felt bad. But you know what’s worse? That the people who you’ve known and who have known you for almost two years don’t care. I got lost twice and you didn’t even notice. So when the Exco told the band about our experiences, it was awkward for me. It was worse when some started to ask, most probably out of curiosity. And your nonchalance dealt the final blow. I teared up not because of the racism, but because of how uncaring you are.
Don’t even start to look my way now because you really don’t care. How could I fall for you so easily? You’re not even half as good as the people from other sections. And don’t even start to wonder why people drift away from the section, because you don’t care. Sorry I stick to other sections more, because even though I’m not part of theirs, they know where I am and they ask where I am when they don’t know. They stick around me with or without the incident. You don’t. You walk ahead and take the useless lead that nobody needs.
QY asked why I was so chill about the incident yesterday evening. I said, ‘because I don’t know who they are. And I can’t do anything either.’ I was really fine yesterday. I was only pissed off today. When I think about it, the only thing that I could take out of all these is, really, how much worse can this ‘section’ be?
I don’t know how many times already that I’ve told myself I’m over u. I think it’s quite obvious that I’m not really. Especially now that ppl are starting to tease u w a ‘gf,’ I think that’s really it. I’m not anywhere near devastated or depressed (lol), nor am I perfectly fine. I’m just a bit blue and curious. But I kinda know who she is.
I guess I’m not gonna try to fake hyped up and go along w the teases anymore (like I used to do). There’s nth wrong w feeling down and not going along w the hypes. I’ll just curl myself up and watch how things go.
It’s like in pracs u know. The friends I had fun with are no longer there. For a while I tried to fake happy and fine, but it got tiring and depressing so I stopped. I figured being myself was best so I kept quiet when there’s nth happening for me and when I didn’t feel like talking at all. Well at least it worked out well and now I’m laughing and having fun only because I really am having fun.
Maybe it’ll work the same way here. I’ll really smile when I’m really fine. Lucky I have many friends around who help me get back to my feet without them even knowing it.
So yeah, over is the time of trying to look happy just not to appear weak. I’m stronger this way.
#1 There’s a reason why I hate interviews. I can never do well enough and the aftermath is a mess I can’t deal with *scratch head *tear hair *scratch everywhere TT________TT
#2 Walking back to my house alone at 630pm. The traffic is still heavy and people are everywhere. For the first time since forever, I feel lonely on my way home.
The more memories I make, the more rooted I am to this land and to this life. There are mixed feelings. Regrets that the memories couldn’t last longer, that we didn’t have more time together. Fear that whatever we have today may not last tomorrow. Frustration that I can’t be as independent as I hope. At the same time, excitement, hope and strength because I know there are more people standing with me now.
I can’t express well enough my gratitude for this life I’m living.
#1 I guess even with the heart and the head, mandate is still essential.
#2 It makes me kinda disappointed in you. What’s your rationale?
#3 I can’t quite wrap my head around those who are irresponsible. How do they stand themselves?
#4 2nd night in Plaza Sing Starbucks. This post marks my 40th consecutive hour awake. Lemme see how long I last this time.
#5 Nothing, I just like to end with number 5. Hahaha.