So it’s the workshop with the Bloco X. It was fun and chill and really enjoyable bcos we didn’t have to bother much with the choreo, juz playing at ease. I loved it. As much as I understand the importance of choreo, I really don’t like when they started spamming choreo from my batch. What’s the point really when all we wanna do is to play good music and enjoy it. I mean sure, some find it boring when we keep playing the same things without much coming up. I find it relaxing and therapeutic. Not like I play that well but for me, music means a totally different thing. I can try to perform, but I don’t wanna perform. I wanna play music and enjoy it. To me music is where I rest my mind an steer clear from whatever other worries that I may have - like a distraction.
Section dinner. I don’t know if it’s a lucky or unlucky thing we had K in our section. On one hand, we’d never be in an awkward silence. On the other hand, we will never be able to truly bond because the whole conversation is being driven, dominated by him.
A small confusion, so do you have anyone or not? I’m just confused all over. And you seemed cold. I don’t get it. You’re like on and off, sometimes talk so much, at times don’t talk at all even if I initiate the conversation. I wish I could cut read your mind to know what to do. So are you ok with me or do you dislike me?
It’s been almost 2 weeks since the end of Coburg trip and almost a week since I came back from Europe. I didn’t have time to type down my thoughts along the way, but I did keep a thought collection in my phone and here it is. I’ll go about day by day, since this is a memorable trip with amazing experiences. So here it goes.
A hectic day. I moved house and furniture so only had, what, 1+ hours to pack for Coburg. Obviously I reported at school late =)) luckily they didn’t do much there either so even though I came late, there was still ample time before we actually left for the airport.
I sat almost right in front on the airplane. Oh wells, not like there was much going on but it felt nice and warm. B sitting next to me makes the trip feel nice. She’s a nice girl, really felt lucky I had her around :)
VA said I looked slim in the pics posted on FB. Hahaha I guess I should wear a jacket around my waist more often :p Binto looked like she’d really really miss me when I was away. It might have been sad for her but it’s almost funny how happy I felt. Hannah baked a whole box of cookies for me. Haha the other Samba ppl asked if it was from my bf. I guess she could be one.
I felt so blessed to have my friends seeing my off that day. At least I wouldn’t feel lonely when all others had their families around :’) I guess I’m really afraid of being lonely after all, no matter how much I tried to coax myself into believing that I’m fine with it.
We arrived. The hostel room was squeezy but I liked my roommates.
He teased me again. I didn’t know how to react. More like, I didn’t have the energy. The cool wind took away whatever determination to stay awake I had left (jet lag zzz). Amid the sleepiness, I was curious how my 2 weeks would end.
Funny how the seats arrangement brought about headache to some of us. Sitting with the so-called ‘wrong’ person would mean either awkwardness or irritation for the whole bus ride. If we hadn’t known each other, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, there would be things to talk about like the basic get-to-know stuff. Or we could simply acknowledge the fact that we didn’t know each other (yet) and do our own stuff. My phone didn’t have internet connection and so the only thing I could do was to initiate random talks that ended within 1 minute then look out of the window in a very awkward manner.
Finally, a little, insignificant jealousy that I managed to convince myself as not worthy.
Racism. So what? We all have it, everyone has it, especially since the people who discriminate against us don’t know us at all. It’s easy for them, they spit at us from upstairs, not seeing our faces, not having their faces shown to us. That felt bad. But you know what’s worse? That the people who you’ve known and who have known you for almost two years don’t care. I got lost twice and you didn’t even notice. So when the Exco told the band about our experiences, it was awkward for me. It was worse when some started to ask, most probably out of curiosity. And your nonchalance dealt the final blow. I teared up not because of the racism, but because of how uncaring you are.
Don’t even start to look my way now because you really don’t care. How could I fall for you so easily? You’re not even half as good as the people from other sections. And don’t even start to wonder why people drift away from the section, because you don’t care. Sorry I stick to other sections more, because even though I’m not part of theirs, they know where I am and they ask where I am when they don’t know. They stick around me with or without the incident. You don’t. You walk ahead and take the useless lead that nobody needs.
QY asked why I was so chill about the incident yesterday evening. I said, ‘because I don’t know who they are. And I can’t do anything either.’ I was really fine yesterday. I was only pissed off today. When I think about it, the only thing that I could take out of all these is, really, how much worse can this ‘section’ be?